Bonnaroo Bath Salt Zombie

Author: Anonymous


Bonnaroo is a crazy place. Amazing, but crazy nonetheless.


Everyone you know who has been to Bonnaroo probably has some story to tell, and a lot of those stories stem from drugs. This story stems from drugs gone bad, and to this day we have no idea what the antagonist in this story was on. We can only wonder if things might have gone differently for this person had they had a Reagent Drug Test Kit from TNScientific.com. Maybe they didn’t even realize what they had taken maybe they knew exactly what they were doing. Regardless, whatever they took resulted in another especially crazy Bonnaroo story. All the names have been changed to protect the identities of people who, as far as our employers are concerned, are functioning, impeccable drug-free members of society.


It was my third Bonnaroo, and our group had just finished seeing Kendrick Lamar (jumping up and down shouting “We gon’ be alright!” which at the time we didn’t realize would be slightly ironic). At over 20 strong, we were all flying high on the incredible music and the incredible drugs we had ingested, all of us on some kind of combination of acid, molly, and shrooms (drugs which would’ve tested perfectly pure had we had a drug testing kit from TNScientific.com), weaving through the crowd, arms interlocked like a beautiful heady chain of blossoming flowers basking in the shining sun, the marvelous music, and the good vibes that enveloped us. We had a little disagreement over whether to see Deadmaus or Earth Wind & Fire, but anyone who has heard the song “September” knows we made the right choice to make our way to the legendary funk band.


Or so we thought.


At one point, one of the ladies in our group had to use the bathroom, so accompanied by our friend Patrick (with who I had split two tickets won off of WUTK sold to us for 150 dollars a piece that year) they sought out a restroom to alleviate themselves. As we stood blissful and inattentive halfway between What Stage and This Tent (yes, those are the names of the stages), a menacing man lurked nearby.


Apparently (as told to us eventually by an onlooker) grunting and growling, clawing his way across the ground like a fucking animal, this man was as tall as he was wide (to say he was very short), looking like he was some kind of bugged out Bilbo Baggins bodybuilder back in the real world.


What happened next, no one saw coming.


This man, like a rabid racist tiger in a sea of white hippies and wooks, locked his eyes his prey, the one man who just so happened to be the only Hispanic fellow in our group. Not Pablo, let’s call him George.


At breakneck speed, this man leaped up and rushed toward our unsuspecting fellow Bonnaroo tribe member, who was distracted by the myriad of drugs he was on and their psychedelic effects on his senses. Then, somehow, as his shroom senses had just decided to tingle, George turned around just in time to catch this drugged-out maniac before he barrelled right over him. As he struggled to hold this deranged druggie at arm's length, this dwarfish man, eyes bulging out of his skull, snarled and snapped his teeth at George’s face like a hulked out zombie straight out of Marvel’s version of 28 Days Later. We stood shocked, dumbfounded, tripping balls, watching in horror as our friend struggled to hold this lunatic off from devouring his face (much like the stories you may have heard of Florida man).

Luckily for us, our friend George also visited the gym quite a bit, and, in an extraordinary case of serendipity, was also on a combination of shrooms, acid, and molly, also known as...ninja flipping. In a matter of seconds, with his minimal martial arts training apparently amplified by this concoction of mind-altering substances, George then proceeded to ninja flip this doped out demon from the depths of heady hell onto the dirt from whence he seemingly came.


At that moment, four or five festival-goers (who were probably soberer than the rest of us) rushed out of the crowd and helped George to pin this psycho to the ground. Like a scene out of The Exorcist, this man possessed by the power of probably bath salts, driven insane by whatever the hell he was on, thrashed his body violently as these noble Bonnaroovians struggled to hold him to the down, each grasping a different limb on his bulked out yet smallish body, screaming, snapping and snarling as his eyes darted between those that restrained him and in all directions of the sky. After a few minutes of this struggle, this guy finally passes out.


The entire episode got mixed reactions from our group. One girl got a bloody nose from the stress. Another stammered through the tears to our friend George, “He..almost..ate..your..face.” Meanwhile, George and our other friend Duncan were cheesing hard, as if what had happened was fucking hilarious (probably due to the drugs, and honestly it did end up making for a good story considering nobody’s face ended up eaten).


Our friends Patrick and Leah finally came back from the bathroom, and Patrick proceeded to scold us for milling around and staring at this man who was now being attended to by paramedics. We explained to him what happened, and he replied “Oh.”


After this whole debacle, the people in the group who wanted to see Deadmau5 argued with us that this never would’ve happened if we had gone to that show instead like anybody would’ve ever known that of the 100,000 fucking people at Bonnaroo, going to see Earth Wind & Fire would cause one of our friends to be chosen to be attacked by a guy on bath salts. So we went back, and not only did we miss Earth Wind & Fire, we missed Chance the Rapper perform with Earth Wind & Fire to make up for missing his Bonnaroo show the year before.


That is something I will always regret, and all of it could have been avoided had this fucking guy tested whatever he had taken with a Reagent Drug Test Kit from TNScientific.com. Get one today so you don’t end up being fucking bath salts guy.


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