Updated: Aug 4, 2020
By: Gonzo Twain
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"Bonnaroo is one of the most wonderful places on Earth"
Bonnaroo is one of the most wonderful places on Earth, a feast for the eyes and ears, a festival of lights and sounds that provide a sanctuary from the doldrums of day to day life, and most of the people there are there to share this amazing experience with you. Here is a not necessarily all-inclusive list of some of the people you’ll meet and hang out with at the festival. You may be one of these people or just another generic festival-goer, but all of you are in the dirt and the dust and the scorching heat together to have one of the best experiences of your life.
1: The Village Chief
Usually unappointed, this person has a crumpled up schedule ready to go stored in their backpack/fanny pack/utility belt, rallying the troops to press on (whether they like it or not). Being unappointed, this person may appear bossy, may get on your nerves, but I salute
this noble self-appointed leader.
Truthfully this person is absolutely necessary to optimize your festival experience, and whether they realize how annoying and overbearing they can be to some of their fellow festival-goers sometimes, they are the only reason any you will manage to see at most 75% of the musical acts you originally set out to see and paid four hundred dollars to do so. When getting your drugged out the group to trek to the next show before it’s over can feel like herding cats, this person will get the job done.
2: The Spunyon
This person has not gotten much sleep, either with the aid of drugs or through sheer will, probably both. Their eyes are glossed over, their speech slow and sometimes barely coherent, and their head is gently rocking up and down like a bobblehead with a rusty spring. They may appear to be on Xanax, but unless they are the type to do those kinds of drugs, they’re just spun. If this is your friend and you are concerned about them, please urge them to go to a medical tent, or at least encourage them to get rest and fluids.
Usually, this person is someone we all know to be a spunyon in real life, so their incoherence is to be expected. Just nod your head as they mumble to you about all the colors, and make sure you don’t forget them and leave them behind as they sit crosslegged nodding off on the grass that gets softer and softer under their exhausted asses. Make sure that this person tests all the drugs they get with a Drug Test Kit, from TN Scientific, so they don’t get even more spun from accidentally ingesting a Transformer that turns out to be a methsctasy pill.
3: Ol’ Yeller
You can hear this person from a half a mile away, and you can also hear this person from right next to your eardrum. This person is all decked out like a savage who may or may not be a frat/sorority guy/girl on vacation. There is a very fine line between this person being endearing or annoying, and that can depend on the drugs you are on at the time. Regardless, after a long hard day of walking for miles in the sun, the person who shout-sings “Oh baby you, you got what I neeeeeed!” can always brighten your day. Don’t be alarmed if they scream in your face with eyes as wide as dinner plates, they’re probably just rolling their tits off.
4: The Bitcher
This is someone that pretty much ends up in every group that goes to Bonnaroo. Bonnaroo is not for the faint of heart, as the temperature can reach the 90’s and 100’s easily and not let up for 18 hours a day every day, making it almost impossible to sleep in your tent past 8 o’clock as you quite literally wake and bake, and you will be walking all over God’s/Yahweh’s/Allah’s/Gaia’s/Cthulhu’s green earth until you can’t walk anymore. The Bitcher will let you know how hot it is, how tired they are, how much their feet hurt, how twisted up their panties are, etc. You know, I know, we know. This person acts like every new complaint they can come up with is some brand new observation that no one has been dealing with for the past six fucking hours, or they will simply just repeat themselves, over and over and over again. They also will never let you hear the end of it if you guys end up purchasing bunk shit, so an easy way to avoid this bitchy tirade is to get a drug identification test kit from Test Narcotics (get one here before it’s too late) If you feel like bitchin’, take a deep swig of your water bottle, eat a clementine, take another fingerdip, and just hold out until nightfall. By then the temperature drops, the lights come on, your favorite artists play your favorite music and all the magic that you barely noticed before reality sets in as you finally have the chance to cool down and enjoy yourself. Don’t be that guy. No one likes that guy, and if you are that guy, shut the fuck up.
5: The Giver
This person came prepared with a backpack full of goodies that are imperative to a good festival experience, especially on the go. They’ll have a backpack packed full of Gatorade, oranges/clementines, baby wipes, lighters, sunscreen, a drug testing kit from TN Scientific, joints/spliffs, gum, a portable fan, etc., right when you need them most. You may or may not know this person, but this person knows you and knows exactly what you need when you need it. This person acts only out of the kindness of their own hearts and expects nothing in return, but don’t be a piece of shit and take advantage of them. Make sure to offer them a cigarette if you have one, or at the very least, if all you have is the shirt on your back (that you don’t even have anymore because it was too hot and you took it off and forgot it at the Kendrick Lamar show when you overheated jumping up and down shouting “We gonna be alright!”) offer them your undying gratitude and make sure they feel appreciated. Of all the types of people on this list, I encourage you to try to emulate this person the most, as the world can never have too many givers. Get your start being The Giver with a drug test kit from TN Scientific (as not seen on TV here).
6: The Roaming Narcotics Merchant
Sit at your campsite long enough and, sooner or later, a hippie or wook, usually with sunglasses and a bandana or flat-brimmed hat (either soaked in water or their own sweat, probably both), will approach your campsite hocking their mind-altering wares. This person brings you promises of the best ecstasy/ MDMA/LSD/shrooms/research chemicals/ you have ever had. The problem is, you have never met this dude(tte) in your life, and you have to take that person at their word that what they have to offer is the real thing. This guy may be your best friend or your worst enemy, and chances are you will never see this person again, ever. They know it, you know it, and regardless of the quality or authenticity of what they have to offer, there are no refunds. My friends and I have learned that the best drugs at Bonnaroo are the ones you and your friends (or friends of friends) bring with you, but of course, there are inherent risks with trying to smuggle in your own. In the case where you choose not to risk acquiring a felony from a surprise check by that cute German Shepherd that turned out to be a K-9 cop, for better or worse, you must rely on these traveling drug dealers/bunk brokers to fuel your drug-fueled festival extravaganza. Make sure you have a Drug Testing Kit from TN Scientific to keep yourself safe from bogus crap or, even worse, narcotics laced with fentanyl.
7: The Narc
Considering all the illegal substances flowing like milk and honey through the hands, the tongues, and the blood of 86.4% of the festival-goers attending, obviously some pigs are going to show up to try to fuck you with the long dick of the unjust laws of the land. Luckily for us, these people don’t seem to know h